Enter my world. Enter my mind. Enter my body.

carnalpainchild @ 2003-11-10T00:22:00

2003-11-10T06:25:31Z

okay. i can't hide it. i have to have you now. what will it take? WHAT? tell me and i'll do it. what do i have to say i will do for to get you to come to me? what do i have to say? to do? what?! anything you ask. i promise. ANYTHING. am i begging??? YES! I can't go on any longer without you!!!

GR!

2003-11-04T06:22:48Z

I hate you right now. You know who you are. I love you but I hate you. And now i will stop at nothing.

hm

2003-10-31T12:15:54Z

So i was thinking about how great it'd be to take the people who have hurt me.. the males.. one at a time.. into a room and make them feel so much pain they would be begging me to stop.. pleading with me to forgive them... oh god just make it stop.. and i got really horney.

Mmmm..

2003-10-30T08:53:19Z

mmm.. a nightmare, or a dream? or ..both?

Damn you michael..

2003-10-29T11:53:13Z

I had a dream about you last night. Mike. I should hate you.. every part of me does except my heart. I have your pictures over my bed still, the card you sent me saying you love me, the letter telling me you hate me, the envelopes they came in... it had to be real.. why else could i not get over your old, ugly, tiny dicked self???

As I was saying, I had a dream about you last night. It started out with me going to pick up my boyfriend at the airport.. he's supposed to come up around christmas. Well.. somehow when i arrived at the airport it was actually YOU i was picking up. Should this tell me something about my adulterous thoughts?? Heh... so you came back with me.. held me.. kissed me.. we made love like we used to.. (it was better in the dream of corse, or it would have been a nightmare...) You told me you were wrong. that you weren't leaving the country, that you loved me, wanted to be with me.. the rings we picked out were still there.. and the marriage date we set hadn't past yet.. perfect. I could feel everything in the dream.. the warmth of your body.. your scent.. you were there. I know you were.. it was real on some plain of the universe.. so in the end i fell asleep in your arms, in my bed.. that you never got to see.. only hotels for us.. god.. i just realised that. but i fell asleep in your arms.. i could feel you next to me.. against me.. breathing on me.. your heartbeat..

...

then someone screamed in the hallway. I woke up. I reached for you and my hand hit the wall. i was cold. you couldn't have been holding me anymore.. where could you have gone? as i rolled over to try to find you, my eyes caught a glimpse of the letter on my wall. the letter saying never to contact you again. oh god. it was a dream.. no. it couldn't have been. it was.

I walked down the hall to the bathroom. i threw up.

Nervous little girl wins again

2003-10-29T10:48:01Z

So I dissapointed you. You have no idea how badly i wanted to call... to hear you gorgeous voice and know at the same time that i was pleasing you. but no. i can't overcome my fears. my nervousness. i can't seem to have any form of fantasy without it involving you anymore... god i could have been that much closer. something other than text in a chat window. but i failed you, and im sorry. once again the nervous little girl takes over... and i can't do what everything inside of me is telling me to do.. i'll be ready next time.

So here it starts

2003-10-29T09:52:20Z

So here's my new journal. I won't tell you who i was before. This is for those who don't know my true identity. Although those who have read my previous journals are the ones who truely do not know. This is me. The part that is kept inside and can only be brought foward by a select few.